This morning I summoned all of the courage I have to go down to the town on my own for the first time in months, if not a year. I intended to visit a new ceramics shop that I heard was looking for someone to work part-time. I was nervous but I thought that a part-time job in a quiet, niche shop would be perfect to get me socializing and working when for the last few months I have isolated myself.
I got up washed and dressed, put on some make-up to make myself feel a bit better and armed with a CV I left the house. The weather is miserable today, the sky is overcast, a misty and hazy rain is falling but the birds are singing and a strong fresh scent fills the air. The rain is hardly noticeable as it falls but soon a sheen of moisture films over your face and clothes, I dreaded my make-up running or smudging and the heavens opening in a harsh downpour. I wanted to make a good first impression to the shop workers.
I plodded along down the road rehearsing what I would say to introduce myself in my head until I had memorised it word for word;
“Morning! I was just passing by to ask whether you have any job vacancies at the moment?” Blah blah blah…..
I hardly saw anyone on the way down which was a blessing because I find it very difficult to socialize spontaneously, I have to know I will be socializing to be able to prepare. I was on the road that lead to the shop when I decided to slow my pace to lower my heart beat slightly, wipe the moisture from my face and any smudged make-up. I neatened up my clothes and carried on to the shop.
I stopped in front of the shop window and admired the pottery on display, all of the work was Mediterranean in appearance with bright, warm colours glazed over the ceramics. There were two signs in the window, one to give details about the shop and another entitled; “WANTED!” and asking for someone to work Saturdays between 11am and 1pm to hand leaflets around the town. I stepped up to the door to read that the shop was closed on Mondays.
I was devastated. I had summoned so much courage to walk in public on my own, to go into a shop and ask for work but it was all in vain. So, I turned around and walked back home. I stopped in our local Londis and bought a drink, mumbling greetings to the owner and fumbling around my handbag for my purse and with clumsy fingers counted out the money I owed.
Now I’m home and I’m disappointed. I have lost all hope and faith in everything, I was so optimistic this morning! I wanted to achieve something today but I haven’t. It may only be 10.45am but I am disheartened. All that effort and courage I put in has come out fruitless.
youngmentalhealth 