I have come to the conclusion that I’m just an attention seeker and that is my primary mental illness. The depression, anxiety, OCD and others are just a byproduct of the attention seeking.
I remember as a child when I felt ignored I wanted to be hurt. I used to wrap bandages around my arm when I went to school so someone asked what I’d done. I made up stories to cover for my injuries. I tried to break my bones, to hit my head, to fall over just so I got attention.
Now I’m older, I find watching programmes where someone gets hurt, I feel jealous. I want to be that person who gets hurt. I see people care about the person that gets hurt and I want to be them. I see people rush around to help someone, and I want that.
Sometimes I get an urge to fake an illness, I convince myself that I’ve got it then I want it to happen. An example of this is seizures. I woke up one night with symptoms of a seizure and now I want to have another one.
I have always had an urge to commit suicide if I’m in a high place, or near a rope, a blade etc. When I see a programme where someone kills them-self, I get jealous and want to do it myself.
I don’t understand what any of this means, I’m disturbed, I want to be someone else, I want to be dead, I don’t know. Maybe I want a punishment. I genuinely don’t know. I’m so pathetic.
youngmentalhealth 