Choosing my Religion

Religion has never been a huge part of my upbringing and none of my family members confine themselves to any particular religion. But throughout my life I have been quizzical about the world around me and I am finding myself searching for my own religion. Growing up and during my time in education there were a select few religions we were taught about; Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Sikhism and Buddhism, or no religion. At this stage of my life I was confused because while I didn’t believe in any set Gods or deities, I didn’t not believe that there were no divine beings. This became the beginning of my search for my religion.

I think that religion and beliefs are important because they help give individuals purpose and the ability to understand themselves and the world around them better. I have selected some topics that religions often have set ideas on and I will explain my own beliefs surrounding them.

– Sexuality: I always have and always will believe that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, poly sexuality, pan-sexuality and transsexualism. I believe that love is love, there is no right or wrong in who you can or can’t love. If you love someone, you love them. That’s it. No one can tell you that you can’t love someone because they are of a certain gender or sexuality. Sex before marriage is also acceptable as it is solely a way of expressing love.

– Abortion: In my opinion, abortion is acceptable up to the 24 week limit in the UK, and there don’t have to be explanations for it. The timing could be wrong in a woman’s life for her to have a child, it could have been an accident, or careless, or due to rape, or medical difficulties on the foetus’ part or the mothers or any other possible reasons. It’s the woman’s body and it is her decision primarily with consideration of the foetus’  father in account.

– Marriage: A couple, no matter their sexuality, can get married; either in a religious ceremony, civil partnership or a blessing and any other types of service.

– Divorce: Divorce is completely acceptable. For whatever reason it should be acceptable, whether because of cheating, disagreements, personal issues that can’t be resolved in the marriage or just because the couple have fallen out of love with each other. Remarriage is also acceptable; life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage or unhappy single.

– God/Deity: Everyone is allowed to have their own beliefs around God’s, deities, goddesses etcetera. Personally I think there is a person or multiple people in some state that watches over the world and every person on it. I think they help us along emotionally and spirituality but do not necessarily help physically in any way. They can give us the emotional strength to get through the physical difficulties in our lives.

– Afterlife: I need to believe that there is something after we die. I don’t believe in heaven and hell but somehow people go to the right place when they pass. I think they go where their heart and soul want them to go; for example, when I die I want to meet with family, friends and pets that have already passed. I will go to my own personal paradise to be happy and comfortable forever if that’s what I wish.

– Other religions: I think that people have the right to believe in whatever they wish. If someone believes something completely different to myself then that is fine but I will not tolerate being preached to in understanding and following their religions. In return, I will not preach to others and say that their beliefs are wrong.

– Morals/Ethics: Murder is wrong, rape is wrong, assault is wrong, torture is wrong, stealing is wrong and so is slavery. The other ethics that I believe are neither right or wrong include animal rights, capital punishment, war and lying. I agree with euthanasia, contraception, charity and abortion as previously mentioned.

I may add to this rather extensive list if I think of another aspect of religion I have not yet covered. If anyone has any views on this post, either agreeing or disagreeing, or have questions or suggestions for the list or have an idea about a religion I might be classed as please comment!

Weak Week

This past week has possibly been the worst for quite a while. I’ve had bad days but not for this long in ages. Everything has become so difficult again; I have been out a couple of times but not by choice. Everything is just overwhelming me and I just can’t cope with leaving the house, talking to people, doing things or thinking about the things I’ve got to do no matter how small.

On Monday I had CBT and during the core 10 questions form, I lightly marked that I had occasionally made plans to end my life but changed my answer to never. I hoped my initial mark was too light to be read. When I was asked questions I couldn’t speak, I teared up and got upset. I just couldn’t think about anything and it all got too much for me; that hasn’t happened in a while. At the end of the session without actually doing anything, I was asked to stay behind by therapist and psychologist. They noticed my faint marking for suicidal thinking and thoughts, and kept asking me questions which I didn’t know how to answer. Once again I got upset and didn’t answer any questions. They are going to be talking to my GP about my decline in mood; they also mentioned day hospital but there was no mention of going back there. Please don’t let me go back there.

On Tuesday I went to work with my step-dad-to-be. I spent the day with him in Stratford-Upon-Avon at a house worth £1.3 million putting up curtain poles that the owners spent £1,200 on. We were there for five hours or so then we went back to Bicester to visit one of his other clients to pick up some money and have a chat. From there we went back to his workshop to finish up some work. My time working with him is to pay off the money he has spent getting my car MOT’d and back on the road. We were going to pick up the car tomorrow, on Wednesday. As soon as we got home around 5:00, we were getting ready to drive to Birmingham for a concert. I was so daunted by the crowd and loud noise but it was a really good night. We got home around 1:00am.

On Wednesday, the first job was to go shopping for his supplies. We went to so many builders and carpenters merchants but we got all he was after. We went back to  his workshop and did a couple of jobs while waiting for his friend Malcolm to turn up to take us to get my car. We got to the garage and it was going to cost £250 for the repairs and the MOT. Rob paid in cash and still owes £50. I was happy to have my car back but also sad at the same time. Rob is expecting me to be driving and working for him to pay off my car but I can’t. People are expecting too much from me at the moment, everything is so hard and to be honest I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just want all of this to be over.

Today Rob didn’t need me to work so I’ve spent all day in my pyjamas and the only thing I’ve done is hoover the living room and helped my mum pack a parcel. I just got a text from Rob, even though he’s downstairs, that just said he needs me to work tomorrow, and to drive my car to pay off the MOT. Suddenly I am so upset, I just want to be on my own but he doesn’t understand. I feel so bad because he bought me that car, takes me driving in my car, paid for the MOT but my heart isn’t in it any more. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to go out of my house. I don’t want to see anyone. The only think I want is for all of this to go away.

I am hoping these feelings are just down to hormones because sometimes that happens being a girl. But I don’t think it is, I hurt too much for it to be anything less than my deteriorating mental health. I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow so I might raise the subject then but he can’t click his fingers and make me feel any better. Things are going back to how they were a couple of months ago. This has happened before when I first started Fluoxetine; I felt better for a while but then I went back to how I was. I hope to God that it isn’t happening again. I don’t think I can survive it a second time round, and that is the truth as hard as it is for me to say.

 

Lost My Nerve

At the beginning of this month, I contacted my driving instructor so I could start my lessons again. She said to wait until the end of the month when she had some tests out-of-the-way and her diary was emptier.

She sent me a message today asking about a 2 hour lesson next week. Now I am terrified all over again.

I love driving, I really do but at the moment it just seems like such a huge mountain to climb. I know I should take it one lesson at a time but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by it all. My instructor is great, we have the same sense of humour and can have both a laugh and serious conversations at the same time. With herself having a history of mental illnesses I think I can trust her and be more open to her than any other teachers. But even that fact cannot put my mind at ease. I kind of wished she didn’t get back to me, or said that she was too busy to fit me in any more.

But it’s not just the lessons that are freaking me out, it’s the theory test, the practical test, the money, the socializing as well as the lessons. Driving is something I need to be able to do but I don’t accept anything less than perfection from myself and even though I need to be taught when I’ve done something wrong, each criticism knocks me down.

I’m scared of being a failure. And I’m scared that I will never succeed. I need to have faith in myself and believe I can do it. When I get knocked down I need to be able to stand up again and fight back, not letting it beat me.

But how I’m meant to do this I have no idea.

 

Being a Somebody

All through my life I’ve wanted to make an impact, be admired, get attention for what I do and be the best that I can be.

Since I was little, I had huge expectations for what I would become and what I would do with my life. And for a while I was on my way of achieving what I wanted. I got good GCSE grades and I had opportunities to go to college and do what I had dreamed of doing.

My main dream was to be an actress. I know many people dream of doing this as a career but I felt like I was capable of actually doing it. I loved drama, I sorted out my confidence issues and performed many emotional, dramatic and often tragic scenes which I was proud of and my teachers congratulated my fellow actors and myself. My strength in acting was doing the more serious stuff rather than comedies and romance. My favourite piece I did was based around 9/11 where we had to be tactful, respectful and believable. We did extensive research that left us in tears in order to not just play the part but “be the part”. Even with lack of props, lighting, setting and costume, our group of 3 brought our class audience to tears as well as one of our teachers. The applause we got, amazing comments and hugs from our friends gave me the best feeling in the world. I wanted to perform it forever. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. But then my GCSE drama exam came up. I was put in a group with other students who did not care about their drama grades, couldn’t be bothered with the lessons and were the least serious of our class. Out of our group of 6, 3 of us wanted to do well. The play we were given was a comedy we had to adapt and make our own. My heart sank. The dramatic pieces were given to the other groups. After weeks of trying to control the unruly members of the group and complete the work they were not doing we had to take our exam. On the day while rehearsing we realised our piece wasn’t long enough so had to word our arses off to add more scenes and include more drama skills and techniques. Through the stresses and effort we managed to get our piece just long enough so we get ready to perform for the examiner, our class and our teachers. Despite the nerves, it began well, no mess ups, no freezing on stage, no wrong lines; it was going perfect. Then we got to one scene we added at the last-minute, one of the less eager students didn’t come in as cued. We prompted him with improvised lines but he ignored them. One of our 5 minute scenes had to be forgotten about. The scene that made up our minimum time. We carried on, stayed in character and just hoped for the best. We finished the piece with only that one problem. As soon as the lights went down and our performance had ended tears sprang to my eyes because I knew that my chances of doing well in the subject I loved was gone. My teachers tried to reassure me when I explained what had happened about the scene but I knew that it had ruined the performance for the rest of us. While I still passed my exam, only just I might add, my grade wasn’t going to be enough for me to pursue acting as a career.

That was when I lost all hope, faith and confidence in myself. My dream was shattered. There was no way to do the exam again, I just had to except it how it was.

Now today I see actors/actresses doing interviews for their big screen début and I envy them so much. I get sad because I want to be them. I want to be that somebody who people see and think they are amazing at what they do, they are attractive and are going to go far in this world. But I will never be that person. And maybe, even if my performance in my exam was as good as I hoped it would be with a different play and different group, I still wouldn’t be where I wanted to be. But I would have had a better chance of it I’m sure.

I think that’s where it all started to go wrong. I gave up on myself. And I need to start finding a reason to believe in myself again.

 

Sanctuary by Paradise Fears

“See we don’t really care who you are. We kind of got this non-exclusive policy of determining exactly who we open up to and let into our family, then who becomes a part of our united mass of harmony.

And that’s kind of become the thesis to this song. Through suffering, acceptance, grief, and strife, there’s no way that your puzzle piece fits into out puzzle wrong because everyone is welcome on this stage that we call life.

And we don’t really care who you are. Everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star.

So catch it so contagious, this day-dreamers disease and hope can be you sword, slaying darkness with belief.

And we don’t really care who you are regardless of how lost you are returning from, regardless of how far.

So bring me all the worst of your broken, bruised, insane because that’s the thing with music when it hits you feel no pain.

No matter what you did I promise we forgave it all that’s left is your voice you have no choice but to raise it.

All you broken hearts all you dejected dreams just let yourself be free because even broken wings can fly away.”

To have faith…

To have faith is to defy logic. It takes faith to think positively. It takes faith to believe that there is a loving God who cares deeply about our pain. To believe in life, the universe, or yourself after numerous failures is to have courage. Faith is an act of courage. It is choosing to get up in the morning and face our fears and believe that God will help us. Faith is choosing to believe that even though we may have failed one hundred times before that we can succeed the next time.