Positivity vs Negativity

At the moment there are a number of positive things happening in my life but at the same time my mood is more negatively based. Over the past few weeks I have finished my CBT sessions and attended a couple of job interviews; one resulting in work for one day a week in a jewellers that begins this Friday. But while these things have been happening, as well as the excitement, I have been feeling a decrease in my mood levels. I crave food all of the time recently which means I’m putting back on weight instead of maintaining or losing it. I hardly ever go out and do exercise which I had got into a habit of doing, I have no motivation to do anything during the day and my music taste has turned back to the more melancholy songs on my playlist.

I feel like my body is just filled with sadness, anger, loneliness, frustration, agitation, jealousy and anxiety; a feeling that I haven’t had in quite a while. Everything in my mind feels broken; I shouldn’t feel so sad, I shouldn’t want to die, I shouldn’t pull my hair out, I shouldn’t pick my skin raw, I shouldn’t feel paranoid, I shouldn’t feel worthless.

Already I’m thinking negatively about work. What if I’m out of my depth? What if I’m left alone? What if I get it wrong? What if they don’t like me? What if I hate it? What if I can’t learn it? What if they get angry with me? What if they fire me? All instead of thinking: This is the start of a new life, I can learn most things so I can do this, they hired me so they must see that I have potential.

The main focus of my CBT sessions was challenging negative thoughts. There were different ways to do this but I don’t have the time or inclination to sit down and write out the thoughts, feelings and behaviours and then take positive steps to change them. How do I change something that is hardwired into my mind set?

I’m thinking of making a couple of mantras on business cards that I can keep with me at work to look at and keep me going, but I have no idea what to put on them. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

More Gender and Sexuality Confusion

I did a post a while ago about an experience that made me rethink my sexuality but now I seem to be having some more issues. I am unsure whether this is down to my decreasing mental health or just one of those things that every teenager and young adult go through before they finally settle down with who they are. I will be going over some things I’ve talked about before but I need to try to get this straight (excuse the pun) in my own head.

• I am not feminine I do not wear skirts or dresses.
• I like being more masculine I wear boxer shorts, loose jeans, trainers, jumpers, shirts, t-shirts, hair tied back.
• I do not see me having children in the future. I don’t like children and I don’t want children. I am not maternal.
• I have kissed both a guy and a girl.
• I have only been sexually attracted to the girl I’ve kissed.
• I have been sexually attracted to many guys.
• I look at other girls and see them as pretty and think of having a relationship with them.
• I am attracted to male:male relationships.
• I would want to be in male:male relationship.
• I don’t know if I would want to be in a female:female relationship.

• If I could be anyone, I would be a man in a gay relationship.

What does this make me? A straight woman pretending to be more masculine? A woman looking for a straight man who doesn’t mind masculinity in a woman? A masculine woman looking for a gay man?

I am just so confused. This is why I have always wanted to be an actor, so I don’t have to be me. I can be anyone I want to.

Blow After Blow

Sometimes it just feels like life has a personal vendetta against you and deals you the rubbish cards. I think that life is unfair.

Personally I believe that life is composed of a set of cards that are dealt out to us, but these cards may be infinitive. For every stage in life, a card is drawn for a person. For example:

Stage: Birth, cards: alive or dead, boy or girl, premature or overdue, ill or healthy etc.

These cards then have other options, an example for the ill card would be to have subsequent cards displaying particular illnesses and problems. Imagine having a hat with hundreds of millions of infinite outcomes for every event in your life from how your parents react to your prom date to whether you have an accident and survive or not. Sometimes the worse outcomes are dealt in quick succession.

In my life I’ve been given the parent divorce card, the good GCSE grade card, the college acceptance card, the depression card, anxiety card, OCD tendencies card, therapy card, self-harm card, step-grandad death, step-great-uncle death and great-grandma death cards as well as numerous pet death cards and others.

Today I have been drawn the “bad blood test results for your dog” card. For me pets are a part of my family and to hear that if the vets are correct in their diagnosis ideas, best case scenario is steroids for the rest of my dog’s life or worse case scenario pancreatic cancer and symptom management until he dies.

I understand that people and animals live and inevitably die one day but why like this? Possibly in pain for as long as he lives, dosed up on medications, just before Christmas and at only 8 years old?

I am sincerely hoping that the vets are wrong in their judgements but if not then what?

I’m sorry that this post is kind of me drivelling on about nonsense and it’s probably really confusing but I need to go to bed and I can’t keep this on my mind. So this hurried post is the best that I can do.

Choosing my Religion

Religion has never been a huge part of my upbringing and none of my family members confine themselves to any particular religion. But throughout my life I have been quizzical about the world around me and I am finding myself searching for my own religion. Growing up and during my time in education there were a select few religions we were taught about; Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Sikhism and Buddhism, or no religion. At this stage of my life I was confused because while I didn’t believe in any set Gods or deities, I didn’t not believe that there were no divine beings. This became the beginning of my search for my religion.

I think that religion and beliefs are important because they help give individuals purpose and the ability to understand themselves and the world around them better. I have selected some topics that religions often have set ideas on and I will explain my own beliefs surrounding them.

– Sexuality: I always have and always will believe that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality, poly sexuality, pan-sexuality and transsexualism. I believe that love is love, there is no right or wrong in who you can or can’t love. If you love someone, you love them. That’s it. No one can tell you that you can’t love someone because they are of a certain gender or sexuality. Sex before marriage is also acceptable as it is solely a way of expressing love.

– Abortion: In my opinion, abortion is acceptable up to the 24 week limit in the UK, and there don’t have to be explanations for it. The timing could be wrong in a woman’s life for her to have a child, it could have been an accident, or careless, or due to rape, or medical difficulties on the foetus’ part or the mothers or any other possible reasons. It’s the woman’s body and it is her decision primarily with consideration of the foetus’  father in account.

– Marriage: A couple, no matter their sexuality, can get married; either in a religious ceremony, civil partnership or a blessing and any other types of service.

– Divorce: Divorce is completely acceptable. For whatever reason it should be acceptable, whether because of cheating, disagreements, personal issues that can’t be resolved in the marriage or just because the couple have fallen out of love with each other. Remarriage is also acceptable; life is too short to be in an unhappy marriage or unhappy single.

– God/Deity: Everyone is allowed to have their own beliefs around God’s, deities, goddesses etcetera. Personally I think there is a person or multiple people in some state that watches over the world and every person on it. I think they help us along emotionally and spirituality but do not necessarily help physically in any way. They can give us the emotional strength to get through the physical difficulties in our lives.

– Afterlife: I need to believe that there is something after we die. I don’t believe in heaven and hell but somehow people go to the right place when they pass. I think they go where their heart and soul want them to go; for example, when I die I want to meet with family, friends and pets that have already passed. I will go to my own personal paradise to be happy and comfortable forever if that’s what I wish.

– Other religions: I think that people have the right to believe in whatever they wish. If someone believes something completely different to myself then that is fine but I will not tolerate being preached to in understanding and following their religions. In return, I will not preach to others and say that their beliefs are wrong.

– Morals/Ethics: Murder is wrong, rape is wrong, assault is wrong, torture is wrong, stealing is wrong and so is slavery. The other ethics that I believe are neither right or wrong include animal rights, capital punishment, war and lying. I agree with euthanasia, contraception, charity and abortion as previously mentioned.

I may add to this rather extensive list if I think of another aspect of religion I have not yet covered. If anyone has any views on this post, either agreeing or disagreeing, or have questions or suggestions for the list or have an idea about a religion I might be classed as please comment!

Weak Week

This past week has possibly been the worst for quite a while. I’ve had bad days but not for this long in ages. Everything has become so difficult again; I have been out a couple of times but not by choice. Everything is just overwhelming me and I just can’t cope with leaving the house, talking to people, doing things or thinking about the things I’ve got to do no matter how small.

On Monday I had CBT and during the core 10 questions form, I lightly marked that I had occasionally made plans to end my life but changed my answer to never. I hoped my initial mark was too light to be read. When I was asked questions I couldn’t speak, I teared up and got upset. I just couldn’t think about anything and it all got too much for me; that hasn’t happened in a while. At the end of the session without actually doing anything, I was asked to stay behind by therapist and psychologist. They noticed my faint marking for suicidal thinking and thoughts, and kept asking me questions which I didn’t know how to answer. Once again I got upset and didn’t answer any questions. They are going to be talking to my GP about my decline in mood; they also mentioned day hospital but there was no mention of going back there. Please don’t let me go back there.

On Tuesday I went to work with my step-dad-to-be. I spent the day with him in Stratford-Upon-Avon at a house worth £1.3 million putting up curtain poles that the owners spent £1,200 on. We were there for five hours or so then we went back to Bicester to visit one of his other clients to pick up some money and have a chat. From there we went back to his workshop to finish up some work. My time working with him is to pay off the money he has spent getting my car MOT’d and back on the road. We were going to pick up the car tomorrow, on Wednesday. As soon as we got home around 5:00, we were getting ready to drive to Birmingham for a concert. I was so daunted by the crowd and loud noise but it was a really good night. We got home around 1:00am.

On Wednesday, the first job was to go shopping for his supplies. We went to so many builders and carpenters merchants but we got all he was after. We went back to  his workshop and did a couple of jobs while waiting for his friend Malcolm to turn up to take us to get my car. We got to the garage and it was going to cost £250 for the repairs and the MOT. Rob paid in cash and still owes £50. I was happy to have my car back but also sad at the same time. Rob is expecting me to be driving and working for him to pay off my car but I can’t. People are expecting too much from me at the moment, everything is so hard and to be honest I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just want all of this to be over.

Today Rob didn’t need me to work so I’ve spent all day in my pyjamas and the only thing I’ve done is hoover the living room and helped my mum pack a parcel. I just got a text from Rob, even though he’s downstairs, that just said he needs me to work tomorrow, and to drive my car to pay off the MOT. Suddenly I am so upset, I just want to be on my own but he doesn’t understand. I feel so bad because he bought me that car, takes me driving in my car, paid for the MOT but my heart isn’t in it any more. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to go out of my house. I don’t want to see anyone. The only think I want is for all of this to go away.

I am hoping these feelings are just down to hormones because sometimes that happens being a girl. But I don’t think it is, I hurt too much for it to be anything less than my deteriorating mental health. I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow so I might raise the subject then but he can’t click his fingers and make me feel any better. Things are going back to how they were a couple of months ago. This has happened before when I first started Fluoxetine; I felt better for a while but then I went back to how I was. I hope to God that it isn’t happening again. I don’t think I can survive it a second time round, and that is the truth as hard as it is for me to say.

 

Alone in a Crowded Room

If I was a “normal” person, I would love my life.

My family love me, I have great friends, I have a car (that’s if I can afford its MOT), I’m having driving lessons with an awesome instructor, I’ve got enough money to get by on and at the moment I don’t have to work. For so many people this may seem like an idyllic lifestyle but why am I wishing and praying that I wasn’t alive any more today?

I haven’t felt this alone in ages. I thought I was getting better but instead I’m having the worst few days in ages.

I am sick of living. What is there to look forward to? There is not point of living, because all there is to live for is work, money, family and friends. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and friends but that is all there is to look forward to, I will have to work for my whole life just to have enough money to get by on. The things other people are excited for in their lives are of no interest to me, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want to travel, I don’t like holidays so what else is there to enjoy?

How do people live until they die from old age or an accident? What do other people live for?

I have no desire to live, there will be nothing to miss out on if I wasn’t alive any more. I’m not saying I’m going to commit suicide or put my life in jeopardy but I am just wondering what the point of life is, I’m just confused.

 

The Ostrich Effect

Is burying your head in the sand a good or bad thing?

For me this is not a straight yes or no question. There are many consequences to either burying your head or keeping your head up.

1) You bury your head and not have a care in the world

2) You bury your head but still worry about what is really out there

3) You lift your head up and hate what you see

4) You lift your head up and find there is nothing to worry about.

The worries and fears that I would be hiding from or facing up to is my mental health, whether it’s the cause, the symptoms or the effect it’s having on me and my life. For years I have been burying my head in the sand about these things; I find it difficult to open up and discuss my problems but now I’m being forced to decide where I am at the minute and how I want to carry on with the rest of my life.

I can never not have a care in the world, so at the moment I am number 2 on the list. I try to ignore what’s happening around me but I always worry about what it might be. But I now need to decide whether this is helping me or hindering my progress regarding my mental recovery.

I have decided that this is hindering my recovery. Any time I try to discuss my mental state my emotions finally come out but I don’t understand what I’m feeling or what’s causing it. I need to pluck up the courage to lift my head up from my denial and see what I need to fight against, but I have no clue how to actually do it. I’m scared of looking up at the monster I need to fight but with no weapons and no tactics.

I don’t know how to fight what’s waiting for me above the ground, how do I strip off my armour and leave myself bare to whatever is waiting for me and defeat it single-handedly?

What do I do? 

 

The Cloud of Failure

Earlier on this year, my Step-Dad-to-be bought me a car. A second hand Peugeot 207, 2002 plate, pale blue that I named Martin. Some people might think it’s strange naming a car but I treasure that car because I know without my Step-Dad that would not have happened.

I have yet to pass my driving test but when the car was bought for me, I envisioned to be driving by the end of the year. At the time I did not know that my mental health would deteriorate at such a rate and force me to quit lessons and driving in Martin.

Now I’m feeling better, I am resuming lessons at the end of this month and have driven Martin a couple of times over the past few weeks.

I went out to start Martin this morning. His battery was dead. Rob and my next door neighbor helped to charge it up. It is now running again. Rob came to ask me if I wanted to go for a drive just around my town. I declined. I am now sat in my bedroom crying.

I feel like a complete failure.

I told my Step-Dad that I would keep driving Martin, that the money and car wouldn’t be wasted. But it has. All of that money he put into that car has gone to waste. I am such a disappointment. I wanted to make him proud but I have just let him down. I can see it in his face when we talk about driving.

It’s at moments like this that I realise how much I hate myself. At times like this I want to cease to exist.

 

Coming Home

My Mum and her Fiance Rob are coming home from their 9 day long holiday tomorrow lunch time. It has been the longest holiday they have had leaving my sister and myself at home to look after our dogs and rabbit. Generally these past 9 days have been fine, I have had some ups and downs in my mood but nothing different to normal for me.

For the last 2 days I have really missed my Mum. I want her to be home right now so I can have a huge hug and have a laugh like we always do. I want to talk to her about all of the things I have got up to the past week and a bit, mostly my group CBT session I had on Monday (which I will get round to posting about!). But it’s when I feel like this that my anxiety and my irrational thought processes wake up and start gaining control over me. This process of escalated thinking goes something like this:

>>I really miss my Mum >> this is what it would be like if she wasn’t in my life >> this is how I’d feel if she died >> but if she died I wouldn’t be seeing her again >> ever >> she’s fine though, I spoke to her earlier so she is coming home >> what about if there is an accident on the way home tomorrow >> I would feel like this forever >> I’d be responsible for the dogs forever >> I’d have no shoulder to cry on >> I wouldn’t have a Mum<<

I love my Mum more than anything else in the world, I worship the ground she walks on. Thinking about life without her hurts me deeper than I can put into words but the thought pops into my head too often to be comfortable. I want to go everywhere with her so if anything happens, like an accident, I’d go too so I won’t have to face life without her. I would die for my Mum. 

So I am so eager to get her home tomorrow so I know she’s safe. And mostly so I can tell those irrational thoughts that they are stupid and irrational!

 

I am a Worrier

My Mum and her fiancé, Rob, have just gone on holiday to Cornwall for 9 days. This is the first time they have been away since my last relapse that put me in day hospital for two weeks.

Even though I feel better in myself, I feel vulnerable and a little afraid. My Mum is my main support, she knows everything that happened and I feel comforted knowing she is around. Now that she is not here I feel lost and worried that without her around I might deteriorate again, she was the reason I stopped self-harm and the suicidal idealization. I worry I will succumb to my thoughts of these things that are always present.

When my Mum isn’t around, I begin to crumble and lose the grip I have gained on my life over the last month or so.