This is the first time I have written about this topic, so please bear with me.
I am 18, a virgin, never had a boyfriend and not very feminine. Earlier this year, about April time, I slept around one of my best friends’ houses for her birthday. We shared her bed and thought nothing of it, I’ve shared a bed with someone before and we are close friends so it seemed natural to both of us. We settled down to sleep when she suggested we hugged and spooned, I agreed because I do love her as a friend. We laid there for a while, I was apprehensive because I have never been in a relationship so not used to intimate contact like this. Also I am very self-conscious and unhappy with my body and having someone hold me like she did was uncomfortable to begin with, I soon became slightly more relaxed when what she felt didn’t change her actions.
We both dozed on and off for a while until just after midnight she said my name and asked me if she could ask me a question. I said she could but she promptly turned over and said she didn’t want to say because I’d laugh at her and say no. I persevered and after a while she said that she wanted to kiss me. I said she could if she wanted to and she gave me a quick peck on the lips. She then said she wanted a proper kiss. At this point I was terrified, I had never kissed someone before, not properly any way. My heart was racing and she could feel it, she told me to relax and we kissed. Properly. We both pulled away after a few seconds and I apologised and turned away. I felt embarrassed and my eyes welled up but luckily in the dark room she didn’t see that. She turned me back round to face her and comforted me, we kissed again for longer than the first time.
I enjoyed it but I was also confused at the same time. Where did this experience leave us? Still as best friends or maybe something more? Why did she want to do it? How do I feel about her now?
Over the next few weeks I got answers to a couple of my many questions. She wanted to kiss me because of all the rubbish I was going through, she wanted me to feel cared for and loved. She enjoyed the experience but we are just close friends. The questions about myself still linger. I feel so much love for her but I don’t know what sort of love it is. We have mentioned that night a few times since it happened, when one of us is lonely, or when I’ve had a dream about it (which has happened a couple of times) or just when we are having a joke with each other. No one else knows about what happened. Lately I have been feeling jealous when she mentions meeting up with a guy or if she has spent the night with someone else. I miss her affection.
I am even more confused about my identity now. Am I bisexual or is it just a love for my best friend who took care of me? Does she think about the experience like I do or is she not bothered? I don’t know and I don’t think I ever will.
Sorry about this rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.
youngmentalhealth 