More Gender and Sexuality Confusion

I did a post a while ago about an experience that made me rethink my sexuality but now I seem to be having some more issues. I am unsure whether this is down to my decreasing mental health or just one of those things that every teenager and young adult go through before they finally settle down with who they are. I will be going over some things I’ve talked about before but I need to try to get this straight (excuse the pun) in my own head.

• I am not feminine I do not wear skirts or dresses.
• I like being more masculine I wear boxer shorts, loose jeans, trainers, jumpers, shirts, t-shirts, hair tied back.
• I do not see me having children in the future. I don’t like children and I don’t want children. I am not maternal.
• I have kissed both a guy and a girl.
• I have only been sexually attracted to the girl I’ve kissed.
• I have been sexually attracted to many guys.
• I look at other girls and see them as pretty and think of having a relationship with them.
• I am attracted to male:male relationships.
• I would want to be in male:male relationship.
• I don’t know if I would want to be in a female:female relationship.

• If I could be anyone, I would be a man in a gay relationship.

What does this make me? A straight woman pretending to be more masculine? A woman looking for a straight man who doesn’t mind masculinity in a woman? A masculine woman looking for a gay man?

I am just so confused. This is why I have always wanted to be an actor, so I don’t have to be me. I can be anyone I want to.

What is there left?

I don’t really know why I’m posting about this because it’s not something I want to say out loud via speech or text. And especially not in front of anyone who might be struggling personally as well, but I need to get it out of my head before I can finally try to sleep.

I don’t want to be alive anymore. There is nothing at all worth living for, nothing I am looking forward to and while I have people who love me around and people I love in return, I feel more alone than ever. As I am sat here I am dreading waking up in the morning because I don’t want to have to go through job searching, looking at my bank statements, tidying the house, doing chores, taking my medication to be able to function, thinking about what I need to do to make everyone else around me happy, thinking about what I want to do with my life and having to live another day being me, I’m fed up of it. I just want it to stop.

Days keep going by and I have lost track of what’s happening, everything is the same day in day out. I am stuck in this boring and confusing life that I don’t want to be living in. I feel as though myself and everything around me is crumbling and disengaging with the rest, I am falling away from my life and my life is falling away from me.

I wish I didn’t exist. That way no one would miss me or get hurt by me. Because of this I feel trapped because while I want out of life I feel like I can’t because of the people I’ll hurt by leaving.

Every square centimeter of my being hurts, my soul hurts. I don’t want to be here any more and if I could leave so that I was erased from everyone I knows’ memory, I would without a second to think about it.

I used to be bright, energetic, clever, polite, friendly, funny, optimistic, confident and happy, but now I’m just hollow. I can’t tell my mum because she will get even more stressed again; I saw what it did to her before so I will not do it again. I can’t tell my therapists or psychiatrists because they will want to tell someone and then put me on some ward somewhere; they’ll change my medication and turn me back into a zombie. At least where I am now I can feel something even if it is pain and sadness.

I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling better. If not then I don’t know what to do.

Facebook Ignorance

I’m the darkest blue, my two other friends are the palest and middle.

This is a conversation I had this evening with my two friends. Basically, we were planning to meet up tomorrow at some point to exchange christmas gifts and after the hectic week I’ve had, I’m not in a very good mood and therefore don’t really fancy meeting up. This is the response I got. The middle blue is my friend who has also had mental health problems that they are trying to overcome but the palest blue friend has had a couple of counselling sessions in the past but with no diagnosis of mental health problems that we know about.

I thought I’d post this because I thought that the two responses were completely opposite with one friend trying to encourage me out of the house by offering lifts and sounding more upbeat and the other seems rather hostile and lacks a basic understanding of my situation. Strangely enough the more disregarding friend was the one without mental illnesses and the more comforting one in my opinion is the one I’m in the same boat with.

I think that this scenario plays out with many other people, some people understand it but others don’t as much. Even with those people we love and are loved by in return, without meaning to they sound ignorant and uneducated about the basics of mental illnesses.

Decline

Over the past three or four weeks, I feel like my mental health has declined rather drastically. Before I was starting to do things with my day, I got more motivated and creative with my art, I spent more time with my family and I just felt chirpier in myself. Now I have no motivation, I am withdrawing again and in general feel sad and depressed.

Every Monday I go to a group CBT session for an hour and a half. So far I have only found a little benefit in it; we are given many handouts and sheets which explain different ways to change our thinking and behaviour but I am having a serious problem applying them in my life. I understand what I need to be doing but I don’t have the motivation or inclination to do it. The handouts are the only part that I find helpful; during the session itself the time spent on me one to one with the therapists is lost. I can’t comprehend what someone is telling me face to face, I need to see things written down to understand them.

Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr B and another person I see with him called G. To be completely honest, I don’t even know who or in what capacity G is. I remember little of the conversation as a couple of minutes in I had an anxiety attack where I couldn’t move or speak just bite my fingers and shake. I remember being asked about my sleep, medication, side effects, self-care, home life, plans for Christmas and about the CBT. I didn’t speak in sentences, I could only answer with a couple of words each time. I really struggle communicating with Dr B and I don’t know what to do about it; I have always had trouble talking to men about my problems. I don’t know why but I find it difficult especially when Dr B and G just sit there in front of me smiling and looking overly sympathetic, with G muttering under his breath “Aw bless her”.

Today I also relapsed and self-harmed for the first time in months, possibly near half a year. Probably 10 cuts or less on my upper arm and thigh, 2 on arm, 8 or less on thigh. I don’t know how to feel about it; part of me regrets it because I had been clean for so long but at the same time I don’t care. It hasn’t helped me cope with today but it hasn’t made it worse either. I should be ashamed but I’m not. I don’t feel any worse for doing it.

Yesterday I had a problem with my two best friends. The one with mental health problems has revealed to us that she has been taking drugs for months and took some pills yesterday as well as getting stitches once again a few days ago; she was on her way to the hospital. My other friend is having some personal problems which she won’t disclose because she doesn’t think I need to worry about her. Speaking to my friends about the serious problems that are filling our lives makes me deeply sad. I miss the way we used to be at college. We were so happy and hardly ever spoke about personal stuff that mean we didn’t have a care in the world when we were together. Now it seems so wrong and broken. I love them dearly but I want to go back to the way it was.

Everything feels like it’s falling apart at the seams. My friendships are strained as is the relationship between my mum and my sister whereby my sister is still unemployed, my mental health is deteriorating once again and I am just watching it happen.

 

 

To Love and To Be Loved

I have two really close friends and many other friends or acquaintances but my social group is my two best friends.

One of whom I have talked about before as it was her I kissed (spoken about in Confusion of Orientation) and my second friend I don’t think I have spoken much about has had problems with her mental health which has meant she has spent time on psychiatric wards. One friend has a boyfriend and the other is dating a boy, nearly in a relationship. Now I am feeling so jealous and left out because out of us three I am the only one not seeing anyone and the only one who has never dated, never had sex and never loved someone in that way. But I long to love someone who loves me back in the same way. 

In the past I have had crushes. One of my crushes was on my best friend in primary school, he was amazing! We had so much fun but I couldn’t tell whether I loved him as a friend or as something more, he moved away in year 5 and I haven’t seen him since but I still talk to him via Facebook. Even up to this day I carry a torch for him.

During secondary school I had classmates that I thought were “fit” but nothing happened. I had one friend who was a laugh and we picked on each other like brother and sister but it wasn’t until recently I found out that he had feelings for me. We started talking again via Facebook and then texting and it was while texting that he began to flirt and ask whether I had a boyfriend. Over the course of an evening he told me that he had always found me attractive and thought I was beautiful and sexy. He also sent me a picture of “himself” and told me what he wanted to do with me and asked what I’d do in return. I asked him outright what he wanted; did he want a relationship or something else? He replied saying he just wanted a bit of fun and not a relationship. I told him straight up that I am not that sort of girl. I will not just be there for him to use, I want to be with someone who means something to me and who loves me, not just wants my body. Since then we haven’t talked about anything like that, it’s just general chitchat but I know that he still wants something.

Then I had the kiss with my best friend which completely confused me! I know now that I must have feelings for her beside our friendship because of my overwhelming jealousy when she tells me about her flings and her boyfriend-to-be. So that has thrown a cat among the pigeons in regards to my love interest preferences. I find guys attractive but my one female friend as well, would I find other women attractive? Am I straight? Am I bisexual? Or just bi-curious?

On top of that confusion, while I want someone to love me I don’t think I will be able to trust anyone. Regardless of who they are, if they compliment me I am convinced they are lying. I am so unhappy with my appearance, I don’t like people touching me because I believe they will be disgusted with what they felt let alone saw! I am at least 3 stone over weight, I have stretch marks old and new over my hips and thighs, I have scars from self-harm on my arms, hands and thighs, I have uneven breasts, I am disgusted by my body hair and I am shorter than average. There is nothing beautiful about me. There is nothing attractive about me. I hate myself and nothing anyone can say will change my mind on that.  If I can’t love myself, how will anyone else? I am so emotionally damaged I will not let anyone else close enough to hurt me. 

I so long for someone to love me for who I am and love my body but I can’t let anyone close enough to find out.

 

Coming Home

My Mum and her Fiance Rob are coming home from their 9 day long holiday tomorrow lunch time. It has been the longest holiday they have had leaving my sister and myself at home to look after our dogs and rabbit. Generally these past 9 days have been fine, I have had some ups and downs in my mood but nothing different to normal for me.

For the last 2 days I have really missed my Mum. I want her to be home right now so I can have a huge hug and have a laugh like we always do. I want to talk to her about all of the things I have got up to the past week and a bit, mostly my group CBT session I had on Monday (which I will get round to posting about!). But it’s when I feel like this that my anxiety and my irrational thought processes wake up and start gaining control over me. This process of escalated thinking goes something like this:

>>I really miss my Mum >> this is what it would be like if she wasn’t in my life >> this is how I’d feel if she died >> but if she died I wouldn’t be seeing her again >> ever >> she’s fine though, I spoke to her earlier so she is coming home >> what about if there is an accident on the way home tomorrow >> I would feel like this forever >> I’d be responsible for the dogs forever >> I’d have no shoulder to cry on >> I wouldn’t have a Mum<<

I love my Mum more than anything else in the world, I worship the ground she walks on. Thinking about life without her hurts me deeper than I can put into words but the thought pops into my head too often to be comfortable. I want to go everywhere with her so if anything happens, like an accident, I’d go too so I won’t have to face life without her. I would die for my Mum. 

So I am so eager to get her home tomorrow so I know she’s safe. And mostly so I can tell those irrational thoughts that they are stupid and irrational!

 

Confusion of Orientation

This is the first time I have written about this topic, so please bear with me.

I am 18, a virgin, never had a boyfriend and not very feminine. Earlier this year, about April time, I slept around one of my best friends’ houses for her birthday. We shared her bed and thought nothing of it, I’ve shared a bed with someone before and we are close friends so it seemed natural to both of us. We settled down to sleep when she suggested we hugged and spooned, I agreed because I do love her as a friend. We laid there for a while, I was apprehensive because I have never been in a relationship so not used to intimate contact like this. Also I am very self-conscious and unhappy with my body and having someone hold me like she did was uncomfortable to begin with, I soon became slightly more relaxed when what she felt didn’t change her actions.

We both dozed on and off for a while until just after midnight she said my name and asked me if she could ask me a question. I said she could but she promptly turned over and said she didn’t want to say because I’d laugh at her and say no. I persevered and after a while she said that she wanted to kiss me. I said she could if she wanted to and she gave me a quick peck on the lips. She then said she wanted a proper kiss. At this point I was terrified, I had never kissed someone before, not properly any way. My heart was racing and she could feel it, she told me to relax and we kissed. Properly. We both pulled away after a few seconds and I apologised and turned away. I felt embarrassed and my eyes welled up but luckily in the dark room she didn’t see that. She turned me back round to face her and comforted me, we kissed again for longer than the first time.

I enjoyed it but I was also confused at the same time. Where did this experience leave us? Still as best friends or maybe something more? Why did she want to do it? How do I feel about her now?

Over the next few weeks I got answers to a couple of my many questions. She wanted to kiss me because of all the rubbish I was going through, she wanted me to feel cared for and loved. She enjoyed the experience but we are just close friends. The questions about myself still linger. I feel so much love for her but I don’t know what sort of love it is. We have mentioned that night a few times since it happened, when one of us is lonely, or when I’ve had a dream about it (which has happened a couple of times) or just when we are having a joke with each other. No one else knows about what happened. Lately I have been feeling jealous when she mentions meeting up with a guy or if she has spent the night with someone else. I miss her affection.

I am even more confused about my identity now. Am I bisexual or is it just a love for my best friend who took care of me? Does she think about the experience like I do or is she not bothered? I don’t know and I don’t think I ever will.

Sorry about this rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

“Another Day At The Mad House”

This morning, I sent a message on Facebook to my two good friends with the above message. I came home and checked my messages when I saw one friend had asked me to explain what I meant. I reiterated that I meant day hospital. Immediately she piped up and said how “unsympathetic” that was of me to say because the other friend is currently an inpatient on a psychiatric ward under section. I replied that I had no intention of causing offence and they should know me better than to think I meant it in a hurtful way. I am in a similar boat to my friend in a ward and would hate to offend them. My friend said how ill the other had been and that me making comments like that would really affect her. My ill friend then said how she was a bit offended if she was completely honest and as she is very ill at the minute that made her feel worse and didn’t want to be labelled as “mad”. I do completely understand why she is offended but they should know I would hate to hurt either of them and I am only making light of the situation because if I don’t do that I will breakdown. I would either laugh or cry.

I don’t want to have loads of comments on how I was wrong to be so insensitive. I know that what I said could cause offence but that is not how I intended. Anyone that knows me will know that I hate to hurt the people close to me and I don’t take these things seriously when I’m struggling to cope.

I am sincerely very sorry but I do believe that this situation was blown out of all proportions and while I have apologized, I know how I meant it to come across and I am not going to keep explaining my reasoning behind it when my “best friends” know me and should understand.

I could keep writing about this for hours trying to explain myself and ranting about the problems I have with these two relationships or one relationship because at the minute it’s them against me. So, I’m off to get some rest and hopefully tomorrow will be a new start.