More Gender and Sexuality Confusion

I did a post a while ago about an experience that made me rethink my sexuality but now I seem to be having some more issues. I am unsure whether this is down to my decreasing mental health or just one of those things that every teenager and young adult go through before they finally settle down with who they are. I will be going over some things I’ve talked about before but I need to try to get this straight (excuse the pun) in my own head.

• I am not feminine I do not wear skirts or dresses.
• I like being more masculine I wear boxer shorts, loose jeans, trainers, jumpers, shirts, t-shirts, hair tied back.
• I do not see me having children in the future. I don’t like children and I don’t want children. I am not maternal.
• I have kissed both a guy and a girl.
• I have only been sexually attracted to the girl I’ve kissed.
• I have been sexually attracted to many guys.
• I look at other girls and see them as pretty and think of having a relationship with them.
• I am attracted to male:male relationships.
• I would want to be in male:male relationship.
• I don’t know if I would want to be in a female:female relationship.

• If I could be anyone, I would be a man in a gay relationship.

What does this make me? A straight woman pretending to be more masculine? A woman looking for a straight man who doesn’t mind masculinity in a woman? A masculine woman looking for a gay man?

I am just so confused. This is why I have always wanted to be an actor, so I don’t have to be me. I can be anyone I want to.

Facebook Ignorance

I’m the darkest blue, my two other friends are the palest and middle.

This is a conversation I had this evening with my two friends. Basically, we were planning to meet up tomorrow at some point to exchange christmas gifts and after the hectic week I’ve had, I’m not in a very good mood and therefore don’t really fancy meeting up. This is the response I got. The middle blue is my friend who has also had mental health problems that they are trying to overcome but the palest blue friend has had a couple of counselling sessions in the past but with no diagnosis of mental health problems that we know about.

I thought I’d post this because I thought that the two responses were completely opposite with one friend trying to encourage me out of the house by offering lifts and sounding more upbeat and the other seems rather hostile and lacks a basic understanding of my situation. Strangely enough the more disregarding friend was the one without mental illnesses and the more comforting one in my opinion is the one I’m in the same boat with.

I think that this scenario plays out with many other people, some people understand it but others don’t as much. Even with those people we love and are loved by in return, without meaning to they sound ignorant and uneducated about the basics of mental illnesses.

Decline

Over the past three or four weeks, I feel like my mental health has declined rather drastically. Before I was starting to do things with my day, I got more motivated and creative with my art, I spent more time with my family and I just felt chirpier in myself. Now I have no motivation, I am withdrawing again and in general feel sad and depressed.

Every Monday I go to a group CBT session for an hour and a half. So far I have only found a little benefit in it; we are given many handouts and sheets which explain different ways to change our thinking and behaviour but I am having a serious problem applying them in my life. I understand what I need to be doing but I don’t have the motivation or inclination to do it. The handouts are the only part that I find helpful; during the session itself the time spent on me one to one with the therapists is lost. I can’t comprehend what someone is telling me face to face, I need to see things written down to understand them.

Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr B and another person I see with him called G. To be completely honest, I don’t even know who or in what capacity G is. I remember little of the conversation as a couple of minutes in I had an anxiety attack where I couldn’t move or speak just bite my fingers and shake. I remember being asked about my sleep, medication, side effects, self-care, home life, plans for Christmas and about the CBT. I didn’t speak in sentences, I could only answer with a couple of words each time. I really struggle communicating with Dr B and I don’t know what to do about it; I have always had trouble talking to men about my problems. I don’t know why but I find it difficult especially when Dr B and G just sit there in front of me smiling and looking overly sympathetic, with G muttering under his breath “Aw bless her”.

Today I also relapsed and self-harmed for the first time in months, possibly near half a year. Probably 10 cuts or less on my upper arm and thigh, 2 on arm, 8 or less on thigh. I don’t know how to feel about it; part of me regrets it because I had been clean for so long but at the same time I don’t care. It hasn’t helped me cope with today but it hasn’t made it worse either. I should be ashamed but I’m not. I don’t feel any worse for doing it.

Yesterday I had a problem with my two best friends. The one with mental health problems has revealed to us that she has been taking drugs for months and took some pills yesterday as well as getting stitches once again a few days ago; she was on her way to the hospital. My other friend is having some personal problems which she won’t disclose because she doesn’t think I need to worry about her. Speaking to my friends about the serious problems that are filling our lives makes me deeply sad. I miss the way we used to be at college. We were so happy and hardly ever spoke about personal stuff that mean we didn’t have a care in the world when we were together. Now it seems so wrong and broken. I love them dearly but I want to go back to the way it was.

Everything feels like it’s falling apart at the seams. My friendships are strained as is the relationship between my mum and my sister whereby my sister is still unemployed, my mental health is deteriorating once again and I am just watching it happen.

 

 

Alone in a Crowded Room

If I was a “normal” person, I would love my life.

My family love me, I have great friends, I have a car (that’s if I can afford its MOT), I’m having driving lessons with an awesome instructor, I’ve got enough money to get by on and at the moment I don’t have to work. For so many people this may seem like an idyllic lifestyle but why am I wishing and praying that I wasn’t alive any more today?

I haven’t felt this alone in ages. I thought I was getting better but instead I’m having the worst few days in ages.

I am sick of living. What is there to look forward to? There is not point of living, because all there is to live for is work, money, family and friends. Don’t get me wrong I love my family and friends but that is all there is to look forward to, I will have to work for my whole life just to have enough money to get by on. The things other people are excited for in their lives are of no interest to me, I don’t want a family, I don’t want to settle down, I don’t want to travel, I don’t like holidays so what else is there to enjoy?

How do people live until they die from old age or an accident? What do other people live for?

I have no desire to live, there will be nothing to miss out on if I wasn’t alive any more. I’m not saying I’m going to commit suicide or put my life in jeopardy but I am just wondering what the point of life is, I’m just confused.

 

To Love and To Be Loved

I have two really close friends and many other friends or acquaintances but my social group is my two best friends.

One of whom I have talked about before as it was her I kissed (spoken about in Confusion of Orientation) and my second friend I don’t think I have spoken much about has had problems with her mental health which has meant she has spent time on psychiatric wards. One friend has a boyfriend and the other is dating a boy, nearly in a relationship. Now I am feeling so jealous and left out because out of us three I am the only one not seeing anyone and the only one who has never dated, never had sex and never loved someone in that way. But I long to love someone who loves me back in the same way. 

In the past I have had crushes. One of my crushes was on my best friend in primary school, he was amazing! We had so much fun but I couldn’t tell whether I loved him as a friend or as something more, he moved away in year 5 and I haven’t seen him since but I still talk to him via Facebook. Even up to this day I carry a torch for him.

During secondary school I had classmates that I thought were “fit” but nothing happened. I had one friend who was a laugh and we picked on each other like brother and sister but it wasn’t until recently I found out that he had feelings for me. We started talking again via Facebook and then texting and it was while texting that he began to flirt and ask whether I had a boyfriend. Over the course of an evening he told me that he had always found me attractive and thought I was beautiful and sexy. He also sent me a picture of “himself” and told me what he wanted to do with me and asked what I’d do in return. I asked him outright what he wanted; did he want a relationship or something else? He replied saying he just wanted a bit of fun and not a relationship. I told him straight up that I am not that sort of girl. I will not just be there for him to use, I want to be with someone who means something to me and who loves me, not just wants my body. Since then we haven’t talked about anything like that, it’s just general chitchat but I know that he still wants something.

Then I had the kiss with my best friend which completely confused me! I know now that I must have feelings for her beside our friendship because of my overwhelming jealousy when she tells me about her flings and her boyfriend-to-be. So that has thrown a cat among the pigeons in regards to my love interest preferences. I find guys attractive but my one female friend as well, would I find other women attractive? Am I straight? Am I bisexual? Or just bi-curious?

On top of that confusion, while I want someone to love me I don’t think I will be able to trust anyone. Regardless of who they are, if they compliment me I am convinced they are lying. I am so unhappy with my appearance, I don’t like people touching me because I believe they will be disgusted with what they felt let alone saw! I am at least 3 stone over weight, I have stretch marks old and new over my hips and thighs, I have scars from self-harm on my arms, hands and thighs, I have uneven breasts, I am disgusted by my body hair and I am shorter than average. There is nothing beautiful about me. There is nothing attractive about me. I hate myself and nothing anyone can say will change my mind on that.  If I can’t love myself, how will anyone else? I am so emotionally damaged I will not let anyone else close enough to hurt me. 

I so long for someone to love me for who I am and love my body but I can’t let anyone close enough to find out.

 

Confusion of Orientation

This is the first time I have written about this topic, so please bear with me.

I am 18, a virgin, never had a boyfriend and not very feminine. Earlier this year, about April time, I slept around one of my best friends’ houses for her birthday. We shared her bed and thought nothing of it, I’ve shared a bed with someone before and we are close friends so it seemed natural to both of us. We settled down to sleep when she suggested we hugged and spooned, I agreed because I do love her as a friend. We laid there for a while, I was apprehensive because I have never been in a relationship so not used to intimate contact like this. Also I am very self-conscious and unhappy with my body and having someone hold me like she did was uncomfortable to begin with, I soon became slightly more relaxed when what she felt didn’t change her actions.

We both dozed on and off for a while until just after midnight she said my name and asked me if she could ask me a question. I said she could but she promptly turned over and said she didn’t want to say because I’d laugh at her and say no. I persevered and after a while she said that she wanted to kiss me. I said she could if she wanted to and she gave me a quick peck on the lips. She then said she wanted a proper kiss. At this point I was terrified, I had never kissed someone before, not properly any way. My heart was racing and she could feel it, she told me to relax and we kissed. Properly. We both pulled away after a few seconds and I apologised and turned away. I felt embarrassed and my eyes welled up but luckily in the dark room she didn’t see that. She turned me back round to face her and comforted me, we kissed again for longer than the first time.

I enjoyed it but I was also confused at the same time. Where did this experience leave us? Still as best friends or maybe something more? Why did she want to do it? How do I feel about her now?

Over the next few weeks I got answers to a couple of my many questions. She wanted to kiss me because of all the rubbish I was going through, she wanted me to feel cared for and loved. She enjoyed the experience but we are just close friends. The questions about myself still linger. I feel so much love for her but I don’t know what sort of love it is. We have mentioned that night a few times since it happened, when one of us is lonely, or when I’ve had a dream about it (which has happened a couple of times) or just when we are having a joke with each other. No one else knows about what happened. Lately I have been feeling jealous when she mentions meeting up with a guy or if she has spent the night with someone else. I miss her affection.

I am even more confused about my identity now. Am I bisexual or is it just a love for my best friend who took care of me? Does she think about the experience like I do or is she not bothered? I don’t know and I don’t think I ever will.

Sorry about this rant, I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

Day 7 At Day Hospital

Yesterday was really dull and boring. I got to hospital at 9.15 again and went to “my room” to read my book. There I read for a while until the room was needed so I moved to the arty room opposite. I didn’t go to the ‘Current Affairs’ session because it entailed reading the newspaper and that was all.

After a while I got bored of reading and found some colouring pages and pencils. I chose a picture of some daisy-type flowers, two butterflies and a bumble bee. I spent the next two or three hours colouring it in. During that time the music group started in the same room which I ignored and instead carried on with my picture. Anne came to see me after the group and told me that Chris is off ill for two weeks and herself is off on annual leave for over a week so my care is being transferred to Ross. That means I probably won’t see Chris again before I leave. Anne also said that my name was on the list to see the doctor but she she didn’t know when, I had been told I was going to see the doctor every day since I began going to day hospital. After she left I carried on colouring.

I didn’t do anything else for the rest of the day, I had lunch, finished my colouring and nearly finished my book that I later finished at home. That’s it. Annette and Hazel weren’t in so I didn’t talk to anyone much, just an occasional greeting to Norman, Graham, Ross or Allan.

I haven’t got much else to say about yesterday at hospital so I might post something else tomorrow about my mood and thoughts on everything. Ta-ra!

“Another Day At The Mad House”

This morning, I sent a message on Facebook to my two good friends with the above message. I came home and checked my messages when I saw one friend had asked me to explain what I meant. I reiterated that I meant day hospital. Immediately she piped up and said how “unsympathetic” that was of me to say because the other friend is currently an inpatient on a psychiatric ward under section. I replied that I had no intention of causing offence and they should know me better than to think I meant it in a hurtful way. I am in a similar boat to my friend in a ward and would hate to offend them. My friend said how ill the other had been and that me making comments like that would really affect her. My ill friend then said how she was a bit offended if she was completely honest and as she is very ill at the minute that made her feel worse and didn’t want to be labelled as “mad”. I do completely understand why she is offended but they should know I would hate to hurt either of them and I am only making light of the situation because if I don’t do that I will breakdown. I would either laugh or cry.

I don’t want to have loads of comments on how I was wrong to be so insensitive. I know that what I said could cause offence but that is not how I intended. Anyone that knows me will know that I hate to hurt the people close to me and I don’t take these things seriously when I’m struggling to cope.

I am sincerely very sorry but I do believe that this situation was blown out of all proportions and while I have apologized, I know how I meant it to come across and I am not going to keep explaining my reasoning behind it when my “best friends” know me and should understand.

I could keep writing about this for hours trying to explain myself and ranting about the problems I have with these two relationships or one relationship because at the minute it’s them against me. So, I’m off to get some rest and hopefully tomorrow will be a new start.

Achievements and Positives

Here is a list of things I’m taking as achievements and positives from the last few days:

• I go to group sessions
• I mix with new people and make new friends
• I am more comfortable in my surroundings
• I can talk to Chris more about how everything is going
• Annette and myself are planning things to do if no sessions are on
• I have a laugh with other people
• I got David a cup of tea because he is unable to do so
• I reassured patients that their anxieties are not “stupid” as I have them as well
• I contribute in groups a bit more
• I am more comfortable around other people
• I can move out of “my room” which was my only safe place
• I have learnt techniques to slow my breathing and help relax
• I have started to make a Wellness and Recovery Action Plan
• I am continuing to take my medication and giving it time to work
• The W.R.A.P plan has helped me discover what triggers me, what makes me feel better and what I’m like when I’m well
• I have accepted that I have a mental illness

Day 4 At Day Hospital

Today has been filled with mixed emotions. I first went on to the unit in a numb mood, I was at my wits end with my medical help. I spent all morning filling in the W.R.A.P booklet when Annette came in to see me. We sat for a while, fed the goldfish and just moaned about the whole situation we were in. We then went out to the fenced in garden which consisted of a patio table and chairs, a few plants dotted around but that was it. The rest was a mess, weeds everywhere, bark was scattered all over the path but it was nice to sit in the sun and in the fresh air. We met up with Hazel while we were there and chatted about our treatment so far, the same chat we always make to waste some time. Annette and Hazel both went in for lunch but because I still don’t have much of an appetite, I stayed outside for some alone time.

Ten minutes later Chris came out to see me and have a catch up. I told him I was frustrated and angry and we went inside for a discussion about the problems. I explained that I felt worse coming here, how I didn’t see how I was going to get better and the other concerns I have previously blogged about. He reassured me that I would benefit from staying there and agreed to a meeting with my mum at the end of the day. Chris left me alone and I sat on my own once again and cried. Annette came and found me and I explained how the chat went and she reassured me that things were going to be okay. She noticed a keyboard on the side and went to see if she could work it, we then spent some time playing around on it and trying to remember tunes we used to play at school. I am going to collect some sheet music to take with me tomorrow.

Then it was time for the anxiety management class which a group of us went to. Allan, Hazel, Annette, a new guy called David as well as my self attended. We listened to Anne the teacher and what she had to say, then we took over by explaining our physical and psychological symptoms of anxiety. When one symptom was mentioned others chipped in and related to one another. At one point David (which I think is his name) mentioned the tunnel vision he experiences when he gets anxious and said he sounds stupid so I piped up and reassured him that I also get tunnel vision. He was so grateful that I had spoken up to reassure him and kept thanking me again and again. Later on he mentioned he had a puppy and got anxious that she would get out and he didn’t know what he’d do because she was his best friend and again I reassured him that dogs were the best friends you could have and it wasn’t stupid to worry about not having them around, I also told him that dogs know where they are best off and loved and that they have been known to return back home if they got lost. At this he got choked up and kept telling me how thankful he is for my input.

The class then progressed into craft time and while Annette was out collecting flowers for us to paint and draw David called me over to him. He asked if I would mind doing him a favor and of course I said he could. He then told me that he sometimes got arm spasms after his brain hemorrhage which caused both mental and physical disabilities, this meant that he couldn’t use a kettle to make a cup of tea and asked me whether I would mind making one for him. I was happy to help and after being told he has his tea half water and half milk with three sweeteners I went off and made one. On returning he once again couldn’t thank me enough for obliging to his cheeky question, and shortly after called my name to tell me that the tea was perfect. I was over the moon, he really picked up my mood. Someone as kind as him deserved all that I could do to help him.

After that I continued drawing with Annette for about half an hour when David came back in and gave me a bottle of Pepsi as he couldn’t have that much sugar. I accepted and thanked him again. At three o’clock I had a meeting with my mum and Chris which has hopefully resolved some of the issues but until I see them in practice I am not getting my hopes up. But I felt better once I had spoken to him again.

While at the beginning of the day I was feeling low and really hopeless the end of the day was completely different. I am now starting to accept positives and the little achievements I have made in the four days of being at day hospital. I will post about these achievements later and then in a separate post I will need to vent about a couple of relationships that have had a serious hammering the evening.