More Gender and Sexuality Confusion

I did a post a while ago about an experience that made me rethink my sexuality but now I seem to be having some more issues. I am unsure whether this is down to my decreasing mental health or just one of those things that every teenager and young adult go through before they finally settle down with who they are. I will be going over some things I’ve talked about before but I need to try to get this straight (excuse the pun) in my own head.

• I am not feminine I do not wear skirts or dresses.
• I like being more masculine I wear boxer shorts, loose jeans, trainers, jumpers, shirts, t-shirts, hair tied back.
• I do not see me having children in the future. I don’t like children and I don’t want children. I am not maternal.
• I have kissed both a guy and a girl.
• I have only been sexually attracted to the girl I’ve kissed.
• I have been sexually attracted to many guys.
• I look at other girls and see them as pretty and think of having a relationship with them.
• I am attracted to male:male relationships.
• I would want to be in male:male relationship.
• I don’t know if I would want to be in a female:female relationship.

• If I could be anyone, I would be a man in a gay relationship.

What does this make me? A straight woman pretending to be more masculine? A woman looking for a straight man who doesn’t mind masculinity in a woman? A masculine woman looking for a gay man?

I am just so confused. This is why I have always wanted to be an actor, so I don’t have to be me. I can be anyone I want to.

Femininity Degradation

As I have mentioned before, I am not very feminine. I don’t wear dresses or heels, or pink, or like ponies and many of the other stereotypical feminine attributes. But recently I think that my preferences have accelerated in the opposite direction to be more masculine than feminine.
This whole post may seem stereotypical but I don’t know how else to convey what I mean. This is just how I feel and you may believe something entirely different and that’s fine to.
I seem to like many of the stereotypical male characteristics; I like action movies, I read graphic novels/comics, I like dinosaurs, I swear, I do boxing. More recently I have been wearing men’s boxer shorts, I have been covering my boobs with baggy tops and thinking even more about methods to stop my periods.
I hate my periods. I know that no girl loves having them but any feminine girl or a woman thinking about childbearing in the future has a reason to accept them for what they are. But I am neither of these things; I don’t like being a female and I don’t want kids. I’m aware that many people will think that I might change my mind about children and I understand but at the moment I can see no way of it happening.
I have been looking into ways of stopping periods and I am even considering the new high tech medical procedures used to remove the womb lining and thus stopping the period. I would obviously need to do more research but any permanent solution would render me infertile.
Today and yesterday I have been experiencing the slight cramp twinges in my lower stomach to remind me that my period is on its way to ruin a week my life. If I don’t want kids then why do I need to go through this month after month?

Mental Illness or Hormones?

Being a 18 year old female, I know that all through my life I will have to combat with feelings and symptoms of the many hormones that race through my body. The most difficult time is when I’m due my period, generally around a week before.

I have been having regular periods for 5 years now so I know what happens to my body during the run up to it. Generally, I get sore breasts that look and feel swollen where taking off my bra causes me much discomfort. I crave chocolate mainly but occasionally other foods and drinks such as Coca-Cola, Chinese food, Marmite and carbohydrates, this can cause me to put on a few extra pounds in weight. I have emotions come out of nowhere such as agitation, general discomfort, home-sickness even when I’m at home, a deep sense of longing I can’t explain and tearfulness. After these symptoms come the dreaded stomach cramps that are debilitating at times, make me nauseous and no painkiller can get rid of, then the week itself begins.

My mental illness over the last year or so has also characterised itself with a combination of the above symptoms as well. For example, I comfort eat regularly and have cravings for the same sort of foods and when I don’t get these foods I get angry and upset. My medication also has a side effect of weight gain so even without the comfort eating I may pile on a few pounds. Agitation, home-sickness and tearfulness are also on the long list of my mental health problem symptoms, the only things that do not accompany my mental illnesses are breast-tenderness and stomach cramps.

I didn’t keep track of my periods because for me there was no need. I was not in a relationship so not concerned about pregnancy, I was and still am regular so I shouldn’t have to worry about when I’m due and also the symptoms are noticeable to give me the 1 week warning.

But now with the mental health issues I have, how can I know whether it is my natural hormones, or my illnesses getting out of hand?

Are these emotions part of my natural hormone cycle or is my illness progressing again?

Am I about to start my period or am I heading towards another mental breakdown?

I’m sure to other people this is not something to worry about but I can’t go back through what I’ve just come out of, and that was a mental health crisis. I need to keep track of my mental health before it can run away with me. I need to control my mental health but I can’t control my hormones, how do I know where one ends and the other begins?