Facebook Ignorance

I’m the darkest blue, my two other friends are the palest and middle.

This is a conversation I had this evening with my two friends. Basically, we were planning to meet up tomorrow at some point to exchange christmas gifts and after the hectic week I’ve had, I’m not in a very good mood and therefore don’t really fancy meeting up. This is the response I got. The middle blue is my friend who has also had mental health problems that they are trying to overcome but the palest blue friend has had a couple of counselling sessions in the past but with no diagnosis of mental health problems that we know about.

I thought I’d post this because I thought that the two responses were completely opposite with one friend trying to encourage me out of the house by offering lifts and sounding more upbeat and the other seems rather hostile and lacks a basic understanding of my situation. Strangely enough the more disregarding friend was the one without mental illnesses and the more comforting one in my opinion is the one I’m in the same boat with.

I think that this scenario plays out with many other people, some people understand it but others don’t as much. Even with those people we love and are loved by in return, without meaning to they sound ignorant and uneducated about the basics of mental illnesses.

To Love and To Be Loved

I have two really close friends and many other friends or acquaintances but my social group is my two best friends.

One of whom I have talked about before as it was her I kissed (spoken about in Confusion of Orientation) and my second friend I don’t think I have spoken much about has had problems with her mental health which has meant she has spent time on psychiatric wards. One friend has a boyfriend and the other is dating a boy, nearly in a relationship. Now I am feeling so jealous and left out because out of us three I am the only one not seeing anyone and the only one who has never dated, never had sex and never loved someone in that way. But I long to love someone who loves me back in the same way. 

In the past I have had crushes. One of my crushes was on my best friend in primary school, he was amazing! We had so much fun but I couldn’t tell whether I loved him as a friend or as something more, he moved away in year 5 and I haven’t seen him since but I still talk to him via Facebook. Even up to this day I carry a torch for him.

During secondary school I had classmates that I thought were “fit” but nothing happened. I had one friend who was a laugh and we picked on each other like brother and sister but it wasn’t until recently I found out that he had feelings for me. We started talking again via Facebook and then texting and it was while texting that he began to flirt and ask whether I had a boyfriend. Over the course of an evening he told me that he had always found me attractive and thought I was beautiful and sexy. He also sent me a picture of “himself” and told me what he wanted to do with me and asked what I’d do in return. I asked him outright what he wanted; did he want a relationship or something else? He replied saying he just wanted a bit of fun and not a relationship. I told him straight up that I am not that sort of girl. I will not just be there for him to use, I want to be with someone who means something to me and who loves me, not just wants my body. Since then we haven’t talked about anything like that, it’s just general chitchat but I know that he still wants something.

Then I had the kiss with my best friend which completely confused me! I know now that I must have feelings for her beside our friendship because of my overwhelming jealousy when she tells me about her flings and her boyfriend-to-be. So that has thrown a cat among the pigeons in regards to my love interest preferences. I find guys attractive but my one female friend as well, would I find other women attractive? Am I straight? Am I bisexual? Or just bi-curious?

On top of that confusion, while I want someone to love me I don’t think I will be able to trust anyone. Regardless of who they are, if they compliment me I am convinced they are lying. I am so unhappy with my appearance, I don’t like people touching me because I believe they will be disgusted with what they felt let alone saw! I am at least 3 stone over weight, I have stretch marks old and new over my hips and thighs, I have scars from self-harm on my arms, hands and thighs, I have uneven breasts, I am disgusted by my body hair and I am shorter than average. There is nothing beautiful about me. There is nothing attractive about me. I hate myself and nothing anyone can say will change my mind on that.  If I can’t love myself, how will anyone else? I am so emotionally damaged I will not let anyone else close enough to hurt me. 

I so long for someone to love me for who I am and love my body but I can’t let anyone close enough to find out.

 

Coming Home

My Mum and her Fiance Rob are coming home from their 9 day long holiday tomorrow lunch time. It has been the longest holiday they have had leaving my sister and myself at home to look after our dogs and rabbit. Generally these past 9 days have been fine, I have had some ups and downs in my mood but nothing different to normal for me.

For the last 2 days I have really missed my Mum. I want her to be home right now so I can have a huge hug and have a laugh like we always do. I want to talk to her about all of the things I have got up to the past week and a bit, mostly my group CBT session I had on Monday (which I will get round to posting about!). But it’s when I feel like this that my anxiety and my irrational thought processes wake up and start gaining control over me. This process of escalated thinking goes something like this:

>>I really miss my Mum >> this is what it would be like if she wasn’t in my life >> this is how I’d feel if she died >> but if she died I wouldn’t be seeing her again >> ever >> she’s fine though, I spoke to her earlier so she is coming home >> what about if there is an accident on the way home tomorrow >> I would feel like this forever >> I’d be responsible for the dogs forever >> I’d have no shoulder to cry on >> I wouldn’t have a Mum<<

I love my Mum more than anything else in the world, I worship the ground she walks on. Thinking about life without her hurts me deeper than I can put into words but the thought pops into my head too often to be comfortable. I want to go everywhere with her so if anything happens, like an accident, I’d go too so I won’t have to face life without her. I would die for my Mum. 

So I am so eager to get her home tomorrow so I know she’s safe. And mostly so I can tell those irrational thoughts that they are stupid and irrational!